THE MANAGEMENT OF YOUNG CHILDREN



XXII.

THE MANAGEMENT OF YOUNG CHILDREN.


In regard to the physical education of children, Dr. Clarke, Physician
in Ordinary to the Queen of England, expresses views on one point, in
which most physicians would coincide. He says, "There is no greater
error in the management of children, than that of giving them animal
diet very early. By persevering in the use of an over-stimulating diet
the digestive organs become irritated, and the various secretions
immediately connected with digestion, and necessary to it, are
diminished, especially the _biliary secretion_. Children so fed
become very liable to attacks of fever, and inflammation, affecting
particularly the mucous membranes; and measles and other diseases
incident to childhood, are generally severe in their attacks."

The result of the treatment of the inmates of the Orphan Asylum, at
Albany, is one which all who have the care of young children should
deeply ponder. During the first six years of the existence of this
institution, its average number of children was eighty. For the first
three years, their diet was meat once a day, fine bread, rice, Indian
puddings, vegetables, fruit, and milk. Considerable attention was
given to clothing, fresh air, and exercise; and they were bathed once
in three weeks. During these three years, from four to six children,
and sometimes more, were continually on the sick-list; one or two
assistant nurses were necessary; a physician was called two or three
times a week; and, in this time, there were between thirty and forty
deaths. At the end of this period, the management was changed, in these
respects; daily ablutions of the whole body were practiced; bread of
unbolted flour was substituted for that of fine wheat; and all animal
food was banished. More attention also was paid to clothing, bedding,
fresh air, and exercise.

The result was, that the nursery was vacated; the nurse and physician
were no longer needed; and, for two years, not a single case of sickness
or death occurred. The third year also, there were no deaths, except
those of two idiots and one other child, all of whom were new inmates,
who had not been subjected to this treatment. The teachers of the
children also testified there was a manifest increase of intellectual
vigor and activity, while there was much less irritability of temper.

Let parents, nurses, and teachers reflect on the above statement, and
bear in mind that stupidity of intellect, and irritability of temper,
as well as ill-health, are often caused by the mismanagement of the
nursery in regard to the physical training of children.

There is probably no practice more deleterious, than that of allowing
children to eat at short intervals, through, the day. As the stomach
is thus kept constantly at work, with no time for repose, its functions
are deranged, and a weak or disordered stomach is the frequent result.
Children should be required to keep cakes, nuts, and other good things,
which should be sparingly given, till just before a meal, and then
they will form a part of their regular supply. This is better than to
wait till after their hunger is satisfied by food, when they will eat
the niceties merely to gratify the palate, and thus overload the stomach
and interrupt digestion.

In regard to the intellectual training of young children, some
modification in the common practice is necessary, with reference to
their physical well-being. More care is needful, in providing
_well-ventilated_ school-rooms, and in securing more time for
sports in the open air, during school hours. It is very important to
most mothers that their young children should be removed from their
care during certain school hours; and it is very useful for quite young
children, to be subjected to the discipline of a school, and to
intercourse with other children of their own age. And, with a suitable
teacher, it is no matter how early children are sent to school, provided
their health is not endangered by impure air, too much confinement,
and too great mental stimulus, which is the chief danger of the present
age.

In regard to the formation of the moral character, it has been too
much the case that the discipline of the nursery has consisted of
disconnected efforts to make children either do, or refrain from doing,
certain particular acts. Do this, and be rewarded; do that, and be
punished; is the ordinary routine of family government.

But children can be very early taught that their happyness, both now
and hereafter, depends on the formation of _habits_ of submission,
self-denial, and benevolence. And all the discipline of the nursery
can be conducted by parents, not only with this general aim in their
own minds, but also with the same object daily set before the minds
of the children. Whenever their wishes are crossed, or their wills
subdued, they can be taught that all this is done, not merely to please
the parent, or to secure some good to themselves or to others; but as
a part of that merciful training which is designed to form such a
character, and such habits, that they can hereafter find their chief
happiness in giving up their will to God, and in living to do good to
others, instead of living merely to please themselves.

It can be pointed out to them, that they must always submit their will
to the will of God, or else be continually miserable. It can be shown
how, in the nursery, and in the school, and through all future days,
a child must practice the giving up of his will and wishes, when they
interfere with the rights and comfort of others; and how important it
is, early to learn to do this, so that it will, by habit, become easy
and agreeable. It can be shown how children who are indulged in all
their wishes, and who are never accustomed to any self-denial, always
find it hard to refrain from what injures themselves and others. It
can be shown, also, how important it is for every person to form such
habits of benevolence toward others that self-denial in doing good
will become easy.

Parents have learned, by experience, that children can be constrained
by authority and penalties to exercise self-denial, for _their own_
good, till a habit is formed which makes the duty comparatively easy.
For example, well trained children can be accustomed to deny themselves
tempting articles of food, which are injurious, until the practice
ceases to be painful and difficult. Whereas, an indulged child would
be thrown into fits of anger or discontent, when its wishes were crossed
by restraints of this kind.

But it has not been so readily discerned, that the same method is
needful in order to form a habit of self-denial in doing good to others.
It has been supposed that while children must be forced, by _authority_,
to be self-denying and prudent in regard to their own happiness, it may
properly be left to their own discretion, whether they will practice any
self-denial in doing good to others. But the more difficult a duty is,
the greater is the need of parental authority in forming a habit which
will make that duty easy.

In order to secure this, some parents turn their earliest efforts to
this object. They require the young child always to offer to others
a part of every thing which it receives; always to comply with all
reasonable requests of others for service; and often to practice little
acts of self-denial, in order to secure some enjoyment for others. If
one child receives a present of some nicety, he is required to share
it with all his brothers and sisters. If one asks his brother to help
him in some study or sport, and is met with a denial, the parent
requires the unwilling child to act benevolently, and give up some of
his time to increase his brother's enjoyment. Of course, in such an
effort as this, discretion must be used as to the frequency and extent
of the exercise of authority, to induce a habit of benevolence. But
where parents deliberately aim at such an object, and wisely conduct
their instructions and discipline to secure it, very much will be
accomplished.

In regard to forming habits of obedience, there have been two extremes,
both of which need to be shunned. One is, a stern and unsympathizing
maintenance of parental authority, demanding perfect and constant
obedience, without any attempt to convince a child of the propriety
and benevolence of the requisitions, and without any manifestation of
sympathy and tenderness for the pain and difficulties which are to be
met. Under such discipline, children grow up to fear their parents,
rather than to love and trust them; while some of the most valuable
principles of character are chilled, or forever blasted.

In shunning this danger, other parents pass to the opposite extreme.
They put themselves too much on the footing of equals with their
children, as if little were due to superiority of relation, age, and
experience. Nothing is exacted, without the implied concession that
the child is to be a judge of the propriety of the requisition; and
reason and persuasion are employed, where simple command and obedience
would be far better. This system produces a most pernicious influence.
Children soon perceive the position thus allowed them, and take every
advantage of it. They soon learn to dispute parental requirements,
acquire habits of forwardness and conceit, assume disrespectful manners
and address, maintain their views with pertinacity, and yield to
authority with ill-humor and resentment, as if their rights were
infringed upon.

The medium course is for the parent to take the attitude of a superior
in age, knowledge, and relation, who has a perfect _right_ to control
every action of the child, and that, too, without giving any reason for
the requisitions. "Obey _because your parent commands_," is always a
proper and sufficient reason: though not always the best to give.

But care should be taken to convince the child that the parent is
conducting a course of discipline, designed to make him happy; and in
forming habits of implicit obedience, self-denial, and benevolence,
the child should have the reasons for most requisitions kindly stated;
never, however, on the demand of it from the child, as a right, but
as an act of kindness from the parent.

It is impossible to govern children properly, especially those of
strong and sensitive feelings, without a constant effort to appreciate
the value which they attach to their enjoyments and pursuits. A lady
of great strength of mind and sensibility once told the writer that
one of the most acute periods of suffering in her whole life was
occasioned by the burning up of some milkweed-silk, by her mother.
The child had found, for the first time, some of this shining and
beautiful substance; was filled with delight at her discovery; was
arranging it in parcels; planning its future use, and her pleasure in
showing it to her companions--when her mother, finding it strewed over
the carpet, hastily swept it into the fire, and that, too, with so
indifferent an air, that the child fled away, almost distracted with
grief and disappointment. The mother little realized the pain she had
inflicted, but the child felt the unkindness so severely that for
several days her mother was an object, almost of aversion. While,
therefore, the parent needs to carry on a steady course, which will
oblige the child always to give up its will, whenever its own good or
the greater claims of others require it, this should be constantly
connected with the expression of a tender sympathy for the trials and
disappointments thus inflicted.

Those, again, who will join with children and help them in their sports,
will learn by this mode to understand the feelings and interests of
childhood; while at the same time, they secure a degree of confidence
and affection which can not be gained so easily in any other way. And
it is to be regretted that parents so often relinquish this most
powerful mode of influence to domestics and playmates, who often use
it in the most pernicious manner. In joining in such sports, older
persons should never yield entirely the attitude of superiors, or allow
disrespectful manners or address. And respectful deportment is never
more cheerfully accorded, than in seasons when young hearts are pleased
and made grateful by having their tastes and enjoyments so efficiently
promoted.

Next to the want of all government, the two most fruitful sources of
evil to children are, _unsteadiness_ in government and _over-
government_. Most of the cases in which the children of sensible and
conscientious parents turn out badly, result from one or the other of
these causes. In cases of unsteady government, either one parent is very
strict, severe and unbending, and the other excessively indulgent, or
else the parents are sometimes very strict and decided, and at other
times allow disobedience to go unpunished. In such cases, children,
never knowing exactly when they can escape with impunity, are constantly
tempted to make the trial.

The bad effects of this can be better appreciated by reference to one
important principle of the mind. It is found to be universally true,
that, when any object of desire is put entirely beyond the reach of
hope or expectation, the mind very soon ceases to long for it, and
turns to other objects of pursuit. But so long as the mind is hoping
for some good, and making efforts to obtain it, any opposition excites
irritable feelings. Let the object be put entirely beyond all hope,
and this irritation soon ceases.

In consequence of this principle, those children who are under the
care of persons of steady and decided government know that whenever
a thing is forbidden or denied, it is out of the reach of hope; the
desire, therefore, soon ceases, and they turn to other objects. But
the children of undecided, or of over-indulgent parents, never enjoy
this preserving aid. When a thing is denied, they never know hut either
coaxing may win it, or disobedience secure it without any penalty, and
so they are kept in that state of hope and anxiety which produces
irritation and tempts to insubordination. The children of very indulgent
parents, and of those who are undecided and unsteady in government,
are very apt to become fretful, irritable, and fractious.

Another class of persons, in shunning this evil, go to the other
extreme, and are very strict and pertinacious in regard to every
requisition. With them, fault-finding and penalties abound, until the
children are either hardened into indifference of feeling, and
obtuseness of conscience, or else become excessively irritable or
misanthropic.

It demands great wisdom, patience, and self-control, to escape these
two extremes. In aiming at this, there are parents who have found the
following maxims of very great value:

First: Avoid, as much as possible, the multiplication of rules and
absolute commands. Instead of this, take the attitude of advisers. "My
child, this is improper, I wish you would remember not to do it." This
mode of address answers for all the little acts of heedlessness,
awkwardness, or ill-manners so frequently occurring with children.
There are cases, when direct and distinct commands are needful; and
in such cases, a penalty for disobedience should be as steady and sure
as the laws of nature. Where such steadiness and certainty of penalty
attend disobedience, children no more think of disobeying than they
do of putting their fingers into a burning candle.

The next maxim is, Govern by rewards more than by penalties. Such
faults as willful disobedience, lying, dishonesty, and indecent or
profane language, should be punished with severe penalties, after a
child has been fully instructed in the evil of such practices. But all
the constantly recurring faults of the nursery, such as ill-humor,
quarreling, carelessness, and ill-manners, may, in a great many cases,
be regulated by gentle and kind remonstrances, and by the offer of
some reward for persevering efforts to form a good habit. It is very
injurious and degrading to any mind to be kept under the constant fear
of penalties. _Love_ and _hope_ are the principles that should be mainly
relied on, in forming the habits of childhood.

Another maxim, and perhaps the most difficult, is, Do not govern by
the aid of severe and angry tones. A single example will be given to
illustrate this maxim. A child is disposed to talk and amuse itself
at table. The mother requests it to be silent, except when needing to
ask for food, or when spoken to by its older friends. It constantly
forgets. The mother, instead of rebuking in an impatient tone, says,
"My child, you must remember not to talk. I will remind you of it four
times more, and after that, whenever you forget, you must leave the
table and wait till we are done." If the mother is steady in her
government, it is not probable that she will have to apply this slight
penalty more than once or twice. This method is far more effectual
than the use of sharp and severe tones, to secure attention and
recollection, and often answers the purpose as well as offering some
reward.

The writer has been in some families where the most efficient and steady
government has been sustained without the use of a cross or angry tone;
and in others, where a far less efficient discipline was kept up, by
frequent severe rebukes and angry remonstrances. In the first case,
the children followed the example set them, and seldom used severe
tones to each other; in the latter, the method employed by the parents
was imitated by the children, and cross words and angry tones resounded
from morning till night, in every portion of the household.

Another important maxim is, Try to keep children in a happy state of
mind. Every one knows, by experience, that it is easier to do right
and submit to rule when cheerful and happy, than when irritated. This
is peculiarly true of children; and a wise mother, when she finds her
child fretful and impatient, and thus constantly doing wrong, will
often remedy the whole difficulty, by telling some amusing story, or
by getting the child engaged in some amusing sport. This strongly shows
the importance of learning to govern children without the employment
of angry tones, which always produce irritation.

Children of active, heedless temperament, or those who are odd, awkward,
or unsuitable in their remarks and deportment, are often essentially
injured by a want of patience and self-control in those who govern
them. Such children often possess a morbid sensibility which they
strive to conceal, or a desire of love and approbation, which preys
like a famine on the soul. And yet, they become objects of ridicule
and rebuke to almost every member of the family, until their
sensibilities are tortured into obtuseness or misanthropy. Such
children, above all others, need tenderness and sympathy. A thousand
instances of mistake or forgetfulness should be passed over in silence,
while opportunities for commendation and encouragement should be
diligently sought.

In regard to the formation of habits of self-denial in childhood, it
is astonishing to see how parents who are very sensible often seem to
regard this matter. Instead of inuring their children to this duty in
early life, so that by habit it may be made easy in after-days, they
seem to be studiously seeking to cut them off from every chance to
secure such a preparation. Every wish of the child is studiously
gratified; and, where a necessity exists of crossing its wishes, some
compensating pleasure is offered, in return. Such parents often maintain
that nothing shall be put on their table, which their children may not
join them in eating. But where, so easily and surely as at the daily
meal, can that habit of self-denial be formed, which is so needful in
governing the appetites, and which children must acquire, or be ruined?
The food which is proper for grown persons, is often unsuitable for
children; and this is a sufficient reason for accustoming them to see
others partake of delicacies, which they must not share. Requiring
children, to wait till others are helped, and to refrain from,
conversation at table, except when addressed by their elders, is another
mode of forming habits of self-denial and self-control. Requiring them
to help others first, and to offer the best to others, has a similar
influence.

In forming the moral habits of children, it is wise to take into account
the peculiar temptations to which they are to be exposed. The people
of this nation are eminently a trafficking people; and the present
standard of honesty, as to trade and debts, is very low, and every
year seems sinking still lower. It is, therefore, preeminently
important, that children should be trained to strict _honesty_,
both in word and deed. It is not merely teaching children to avoid
absolute lying, which is needed: _all kinds of deceit_ should be
guarded against; and all kinds of little dishonest practices be
strenuously opposed. A child should be brought up with the determined
principle, never to _run in debt_, but to be content to live in
a humbler way, in order to secure that true independence, which should
be the noblest distinction of an American citizen.

There is no more important duty devolving upon a mother, than the
cultivation of habits of modesty and propriety in young children. All
indecorous words or deportment should be carefully restrained; and
delicacy and reserve studiously cherished. It is a common notion, that
it is important to secure these virtues to one sex, more than to the
other; and, by a strange inconsistency, the sex most exposed to danger
is the one selected as least needing care. Yet a wise mother will be
especially careful that her sons are trained to modesty and purity of
mind.

Yet few mothers are sufficiently aware of the dreadful penalties which
often result from indulged impurity of thought. If children, in _future_
life, can be preserved from licentious associates, it is supposed that
their safety is secured. But the records of our insane retreats, and the
pages of medical writers, teach that even in solitude, and without being
aware of the sin or the danger, children may inflict evils on
themselves, which not unfrequently terminate in disease, delirium, and
death.

There is no necessity for explanations on this point any farther than
this; that certain parts of the body are not to be touched except for
purposes of cleanliness, and that the most dreadful suffering comes
from disobeying these commands. So in regard to practices and sins of
which a young child will sometimes inquire, the wise parent will say,
that this is what children can not understand, and about which they
must not talk or ask questions. And they should be told that it is
always a bad sign, when children talk on matters which parents call
vulgar and indecent, and that the company of such children should be
avoided. Disclosing details of wrong-doing to young and curious
children, often leads to the very evils feared. But parents and
teachers, in this age of danger, should be well informed and watchful;
for it is not unfrequently the case, that servants and school-mates
will teach young children practices, which exhaust the nervous system
and bring on paralysis, mania, and death.

And finally, in regard to the early religious training of children,
the examples of the Creator in the early training of our race may
safely be imitated. That "He is, and is a rewarder"--that he is
everywhere present--that he is a tender Father in heaven, who is grieved
when any of his children do wrong, yet ever ready to forgive those who
are striving to please him by well-doing, these are the most effective
motives to save the young from the paths of danger and sin. The rewards
and penalties of the life to come are better adapted to maturer age,
than to the imperfect and often false and fearful conceptions of the
childish mind.